It’s been two years since we placed you in the ground. It wasn’t your time and you had so much to live for. No one could have imagined what would transpire. No matter what defenses I put up psychologically to guard myself the memories will often penetrate and rewind like a VHS. Every small detail from that day will be forevermore burnt into my memory.
There are some who will preach that things will get better, that you must move on, and that things will be okay. While those little white truths may serve as reassurance for some I remain unphased and will never find solace. There’s far too much sadness and anger even to this day. My mother was a selfless and compassionate person who dedicated her lives to children who had been abused in unimaginable ways. Even going as far as surrendering her bedroom and sleeping on the couch for twenty years if it meant she could give a child a place to stay.
Externally I was able to convince so many that I was okay, but internally between losing my mother on top of losing my grandfather on my mother’s side two weeks prior to Christmas soon after reignited my dark descent. Things never really improved as I lost my grandmother on my father’s side in April last year, and grandmother on my mother’s side in September last year.
Lately I’ve been thinking about my own mortality and have started working on ‘my funeral service’ which will be sent to several individuals. Things that I wish to share with grieving family members and close friends, some favorite songs and overall information that people may not know about me. Even though I don’t expect anything to happen to me in the foreseeable future and don’t plan on committing self harm or worse. Admittedly are the thoughts there? Yes. With that said plan on subscribing to BetterHelp.